You Are Not Doing Anything Wrong
November 20, 2024
Writer: Olivia Davis
Editor: Hannah Kerlan
I talk. Like, a lot. Way more than the average person. You could argue that it is my favorite pastime. I think this is why people are generally surprised when they find out I am simultaneously thinking all of the time, since I seem to say practically all of my thoughts out loud. Nonetheless, I can’t really remember the last time my brain was really, fully, truly “turned off.” It persists through yoga, right before bed, or seemingly every time I’m trying *not* to think.
Sometimes it’s simple–random excerpts from things I saw that day, a mental to-do list for the day to come, or a flashback of a funny joke my friend said a few days earlier. But the majority of the time, it’s a self analysis so extreme and intense that it would unnerve almost anyone.
“Why did I say that?” “I looked so bad today.” “Why did I post that?”
“Why did I do that?” “I wish I didn’t look like that.” “I don’t understand why anyone likes me at all.”
Anxiety is a known guest in the home that is my mind, and has been since high school. I can easily recall walking into school each morning with an anxious feeling so visceral that I would have to continuously and verbally remind myself that I was not doing anything wrong by simply being there. Posting on social media used to warrant me completely powering down my phone for days on end. I would answer questions under my breath in class because the last thing I wanted was to be perceived in any capacity. I tried to break down these feelings and days into a science, studying what I said, did, or wore on “good days” when I could stomach being perceived for its entirety in hopes of replicating it again the next day. However, science and anxiety don’t tend to get along, and my research efforts were soon found to be moot. I could not understand why I couldn’t be more like the girls around me, who seemed to do everything flawlessly, effortlessly, and, most evidently to me, without a shred of anxiety. No matter how hard I tried, I could never seem to be anything like everyone else around me. It felt like no matter what, I stuck out like a sore thumb in the worst way possible.
In 2021, it felt like my prayers had finally been answered. I didn’t hate looking in the mirror anymore. I had people–friends surrounding me who made me realize that despite my mind’s best efforts, I was not the worst person in the world, and I deserved good things, too. I embraced the fact that I love to talk. A lot! But, I would be lying if I said my life magically became perfect then. No matter what, there will always be people who dislike you, even if it is just for being yourself. I had finally broken out of my shell, and almost immediately, there were people who wanted to push me back into it. I felt the familiar feelings of anxiety wash over me like a tidal wave.
“Why do they not like me?” “There must be something wrong with me.” “What am I doing wrong?” “Everyone hates me.”
Every time I heard something negative about myself, it would send me into a spiral. I would spend days trying to understand why someone said what they did and try to determine exactly what I could do to make everyone like me. I wanted to be friends with everyone. Being disliked felt like my worst nightmare come true. However, I then recalled the same saying that had gotten me through the years prior:
You Are Not Doing Anything Wrong.
The same mantra I used to repeat to myself on my worst days continued to remain true. I wasn’t doing anything wrong by simply being myself. My friends would describe me as outgoing, bubbly, and funny. If other people couldn’t see that, why should I force them to?
The hardest pill I have had to swallow is that, in life, people will not like you. They will say mean things behind your back and call you names. People will say that you are annoying or that you are too much. However, for every person who says something along those lines, there are twice as many who will say that you are amazing. They will say that you are a great friend. They will tell you that they love you and that you are perfect just the way you are. I choose to listen to the people that love me, not the people who don’t know and understand me or to the voice in the back of my head.
My life still is not perfect. And neither am I! Sometimes I say the wrong things or I make a mistake and I feel those same anxieties come back and the world feels like it may end. But, miraculously, it never does. I have been a person who has done dumb things, and I am far from perfect. But, I am someone who means something to people. I make my mom proud and my friends happy and that is enough.
Over the course of the last 5 years of my life, I have reached some of the lowest lows and the highest highs. So many things have changed. However, one thing has remained true throughout all of this:
I Am Not Doing Anything Wrong.
I am continuing to grow, continuing to learn how to love myself, continuing to be grateful for the opportunity to live the life I have been so blessed to have. There is nothing wrong with who I am or with being myself. No matter how the world or your mind may make you feel, You Are Not Doing Anything Wrong.
